You're WHAT?
by UnderTheGrave
Summary: The most well known pair of enemies in Ikebukuro find themselves bound together by the most unexpected mistake: Izaya becomes pregnant! They must learn to become a family as the unexpected baby brings them closer than was ever thought possible. MPREG. THREE CHAPTER FIC. Rated T FOR NOW.
1. Chapter 1

Izaya was across the living room, plopped down on the plain white sofa. He had his reading glasses on; the ones that Shizuo found to be too god damn adorable on the raven, although he never would have admitted it at that point.

He was reading some philosophical shit by some English guy Shizuo didn't know. The book was resting on his big, round stomach.

Shizuo was staring at the sleek flat screen mounted on the wall with a brainwashed expression. He didn't even know what he was watching, but Izaya was ignoring him and he had no other means of entertainment. Apparently, Shizuo was an inconsiderate asshole that night because he didn't bring Izaya a watermelon when he stopped by after work. It was December. Watermelons didn't even fucking grow in winter...

Izaya was of course just moody and craving random food items. It had become a usual thing at that point and Shizuo just learned to put up with it.

They sat like that for at least two hours. Izaya finally stood and placed the book back on the coffee table. The sound shook Shizuo from his zombie-like state.

"I feel really sore, I'm going to bed," muttered the raven. He placed at hand on his swollen belly. The clock behind his head only read 9:30.

"Sore?" Shizuo asked, sitting up. "How so?"

"Like I'm gonna explode..."

Shizuo's hand rose up to the round, pale stomach of his former adversary. He felt the other jerk a bit before finally relaxing.

"Aish... your hands are cold, protozoan..."

The porcelain flesh underneath his hand was nice and warm. Shizuo rubbed it gently with his palm in a rare show of sincere affection.

He felt a kick and couldn't help but smile a bit. He didn't know why; somehow it was unreal that there was actually a little person in there... His and Izaya's little person, more specifically. That's why the smile confused him. If someone had mentioned the possibility of them even _being_ together a year ago, their face would have been unrecognizable by the time Shizuo was done with them.

He heard a grunt from Izaya above him. "She's been doing that all afternoon... She kicks really hard... Like she could kick right through me."

"Wants to come out, a flea like you probably isn't that comfy," Shizuo replied, standing up in front of the other. His hand didn't want to move, but Shizuo finally took it away. He tried to hold back a smirk when those crimson oculars shot a death glare his way.

"Go lie down then."

Izaya trudged away towards the small staircase, leading to his bedroom, as the blonde still stood by the couch and watched him until he was out of sight.

Shizuo plopped back down on the couch with a huff and glared back at the TV screen. The nine o'clock news was on, which was typically the same crap about the violence that had taken place in 'Bukuro that day. Probably why Shizuo had spaced out. Always the same boring crap.

He started to rest his cheek in his palm while reaching for the the remote next to him when he heard a thump from upstairs. Then a pause, with only the news anchor from the TV to break the silence. Finally, a pained yell. Izaya.

"Shizuo, get Shinra!"

Shizuo found his legs launching him off the couch towards the staircase, his surroundings all a blur as he dashed as fast as he could. He began to feel his heart race speed up out of nowhere, so loud it was reverberating against his eardrums. The mad dash up the stairs felt like an eternity, but he finally reached the doorway.

Izaya was on his knees, doubled over with his forehead pressed against the ground and his hands clutching his rounded stomach. His eyes were clenched shut tightly, with a tear pooling up at the side of each. He had his teeth bared, air rushing out the cracks of them in a hiss of pain.

Shizuo had no time to be in shock. His legs were still rapidly moving to the nightstand to grab Izaya's cellphone.

He found that his fingers were shaking as he mashed the keyboard, setting off a random string of numbers and letters. He tried typing Shinra's number with his trembling digits until he nearly broke the phone in frustration. Another groan from the man below sobered him, and he finally managed to dial the number.

Celty was on her way to get Izaya. Shizuo picked his body off the floor with ease. Izaya was in too much pain too protest. Shizuo was still letting his instincts assume control, which lead him down out of the apartment. He was sprinting down the sidewalk to meet Celty.

In his mind, under all the cluttered thoughts, through the deafening thrum of his heart on his eardrums, Shizuo was asking how this all could have happened. If he was about to be a father, or if he was about to wake up from the nine month long dream.

~..._Nine Months Earlier...~_

The two's bodies were intertwined in Izaya's bed. Shizuo's arm was lazily draped over Izaya's waist and both of the raven's rested on the blonde's shoulders. Light was flooding in from the open window and cloaking the two in its warmth.

As pleasant as the warmth was, the brightness that the morning sun brought was a different story altogether. Shizuo shifted his head, shoving his face in to his pillow and groaning out as if it would send the sun away. He heard the lips that were pressed against his neck in their current position emit a little chuckle.

When Izaya shifted, the arm came to life and pulled him back. Their bare bodies pressed against one another.

"Shizu-chan, no..." the raven teased, hands pressing against that wonderfully toned upper torso. "Time to get up. Won't you be late for work? You have to be there in ten minutes..."

There was a pause as the thought registered in that thick skull of the brute. But when it came, the man shot up, nearly falling to the floor as he scanned the floor for his clothing and shoes.

"God damnit, why didn't you tell me?!" the informant heard. His smirk grew into an actual smile at Shizuo's rather endearing display, so he shoved his face in to his feathered pillow to hide it, along with the light blush. He listened to the scuffling of his 'boyfriend.' They denied that term when most people referred to them as such.

Shizuo straightened his bow tie, nearly dashing out the door in his rush before spotting the curled up body still on the bed. He grumbled at himself and hurried over, planting and kiss on the other male's temple. "Go die, flea," he mumbled in his ear.

"Love you too, Shizu-chan!" The Orihara finally called after the blonde as he quickly beaded out for the front door, uncovering his face from the pillow to do so. Those words still felt awkward coming from his lips.

He heard the door slam in reply and snuggled back against the pillow.

That was the first morning those two woke up with one another. The whole city had been shocked when the two made a sudden truce a few short weeks before, but would have never foreseen something even deeper. Even Erika, who had of course been the one to inquire about their relationship.

It honestly had started as a truce, as simple and sudden as the hate they both felt for one another the day they had met. Their excuses were the same; they had grown bored of their constant skirmishes through the years. The true reason, of course, had been revealed that night before they had awoken.

And that morning wasn't the last.

But soon after, Shizuo got that onetext that would start it all. That one simple demand from his new lover...

**Come to my house tonight, I have to talk to you.**

It was six weeks since their 'relations' had begun, and Izaya had complained at least ten different times about feeling bloated, feeling hungry, and feeling sick. It was to the point where it didn't even piss Shizuo off anymore. It almost started to worry him.

He entered his lover's apartment, holding a bag of cheese puffs in his hand. Izaya was sitting on his sofa, as if he'd been waiting for him. Shizuo found that a bit odd in itself. Usually when he came, Izaya was at work at his computer or pouncing on him with his clothes off.

"What's up, wasn't I supposed to come tomorrow?"

He didn't get a reply at first.

"Did you bring them?" he finally heard the man on the couch say.

"Oh, right." He tossed the bag of snack food on to the couch next to him and watched as he tore in to it ravenously. His brows furrowed impatiently as the raven stuffed his face. He didn't even like junk food, right?... And he hadn't even shot a smart remark his way yet.

"FLEA!"

Said flea seemed to snap out of it. "Ah, right. I have to tell you something Shizu-chan." He licked the orange cheese flavoring off his fingers. Even though they had a so called 'truce' their nicknames had obviously stayed.

Shizuo sat down next to him and kicked his feet up on to the coffee table. "Make it quick, louse."

"You're going to think I'm messing with you. But I'm not."

The blonde looked at him skeptically, getting the feeling that Izaya was about to say something... Well, completely idiotic that would most likely piss him off.

And he was pretty spot on.

"I'm pregnant."


	2. Chapter 2

The black biker of Ikebukuro was standing between Shinra and Izaya with her hands raised defensively. Her helmet was gone, and her usual leather attire was replaced by a pink button-up night gown. The bespectacled doctor was cowering behind her while the suit-clad bodyguard was holding their coffee table up in the air to throw at him. Izaya was sitting on the sofa, sipping apathetically at his iced tea with one leg crossed over the other. Despite the situation, he was smirking lightly at all the amusing commotion.

"What do you mean he's serious?! It's not possible!"

Izaya rolled his eyes and slurped on his tea obnoxiously as Shizuo roared. He had been wondering himself, of course.

The blonde was trying to work his way around Celty so he could crush the doctor, but she was always one step ahead of him at all times.

Shinra adjusted his glasses and raised a finger in the air. "Quite possible, actually. Izaya seemed like the perfect subject for it, as... well, I didn't expect he'd really sleep with anyone. Especially... well, a male. And especially... well, you. You probably have freakishly strong monster sperm that helped get the job done too."

Shizuo almost threw the coffee table but Celty's scythe appeared in her hand and he paused. He had no interest in attacking his dullahan friend in the process of murdering her fiancee. Izaya snickered a bit into his glass.

"It's stem cell research. He has a... pseudo female reproductive system of some sort I implanted while he was sleeping here and..."

Izaya twitched a bit as Shinra rambled on. Time to get a new doctor.

"YOU CAN'T JUST PUT..." Shizuo paused, not knowing what the fuck pseudo meant. "...REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEMS IN PEOPLE WITHOUT TELLING THEM!"

"I didn't think he'd USE it, if you know what I mean. Anyway, there's obviously no safe way for it to come out, so a c-section would be-"

"Are you seriously saying that we're keeping it?"

There was an awkward silence. Celty crossed her arms and began typing away on her PDA as Shinra rambled on about how such a thing wouldn't be safe.

Celty shoved her phone in Shizuo's face.

**[Take responsibility for your actions.]**

Shizuo stared at the mist flowing from her neck, exasperated. He could almost sense that she was glaring at him. She was on Shinra's side?! "Celty, I didn't know he'd get pregnant, he's a guy! You know that."

He had dropped the coffee table to rub his temples. Izaya was clutching the empty glass and staring in to it. The situation was starting hit him. It had before... but he was just then beginning to realize what it meant. Nine months... Getting fat... Puking. He couldn't walk around as an informant like that.

"Ne, Shizu-chan," he started, holding his glass up in the air and waving it around. "More tea. Chop chop~" He was trying to move the conversation in a different direction. He didn't like feeling... uncomfortable. It wasn't like him.

He was ignored, which pissed him off greatly although he didn't show it.

"I'd appreciate it if you all didn't talk like I wasn't here. I'm the one knocked up, after all," he cooed, resting his cheek on his hand. That got Shizuo's attention, of course. His hard gaze turned towards his 'lover' and he scowled menacingly. Izaya was unfazed.

"Shut up, this isn't happening. I'm not taking care of some crying little sack of meat that wasn't even supposed to happen. Especially if it's Izaya's."

He headed for the door and the three others in the room watched as he slammed it behind him. Celty had her arms crossed as she turned to Shinra. Izaya was still glaring at the door. His damn hormones made it so Shizuo's words had actually hurt a bit.

"That's how Shizuo deals with things," Shinra sighed, shaking his head. "I've known him for so long. He doesn't mean it. I'm sure he'll come around."

Izaya set his glass on the side table and stood with his hands in his pockets. "Well that went well," he chuckled, putting on his best smirk. He casually strolled towards the door and grabbed the knob, but paused as he was about to open it.

He turned and stared at Shinra with a sudden deadly look that made the underground doctor tense. "And Shinra, I'd suggest that you sleep with one eye open, I'm sure I can think of a great way to get you back for this."

Izaya left, shutting the door much softer than the brute before him. There was a pause as Shinra looked to Celty.

"Even if they do try to kill me, don't you think this will be so interesting? Imagine how well known I'd bec-"

Celty punched him in the stomach.

...

Izaya had made his way back to his apartment all alone, often glancing around for the blonde in the crowd. The other man never appeared. Izaya wasn't worried too much, and he wasn't even surprised when he returned to an empty apartment. He just sat down in his spinning chair at his desk and looked out the window at the glimmering city below. A distant look swirled in his molten amber eyes as he thought. He was less dense than Shizuo. He knew this would most definitely change their relationship. For better or for worse was the question he couldn't answer.

Shizuo was lurking in the Shinjuku City Park with his back against a tree. He was completely alone. No one would go in to the park in the middle of the night. He'd blown through over half of the pack of cigarettes he'd bought after leaving Shinra's house. His eyes were heavy and his whole body was begging for sleep. He had work early tomorrow morning at nine, and it was about four in the morning.

_One last cigarette._

He had said that after the first and yet he was still there, dreading the thought of returning to Izaya and hurting his own pride. One side of him was nagging at him to go to him. He knew he needed to be there.

He took a long drag and the tip of the rolled tobacco glowed, illuminating his pensive features in a rembrandt orange. He checked his phone. No new messages.

He stayed out a bit longer before his resolve broke and he journeyed to the flea's tall, modern apartment complex. It was much closer than his own. That was his excuse to himself, anyway.

When he got there, Izaya was no longer in the chair, but asleep in his bedroom. He always curled up in his sleep, Shizuo had noticed; almost like a cat. He was clutching the red comforter over his shoulders and his mouth hung open and twitched as if he were dreaming. His eyes were clenched shut, as is he'd fallen asleep rather troubled. The blonde took in the sight, feeling a tinge of guilt.

Finally, the bodyguard settled down on the mattress next to him and relaxed on his back. He felt the raven shift and mumble as he sensed the bed dip in his sleep, and Shizuo tensed a bit at the thought of him waking up.

When everything was silent once again, Shizuo exhaled in relief and turned on his side so he and his old rival faced one another. He pressed their foreheads together and began to drift off to sleep. He felt Izaya's warm breath on his own lips.

"Shizu-chan, you know I'm a light sleeper," he finally heard. Said man snapped open his eyes and met the dark, tired gaze staring back at him. Hazel and amber oculars held on to one another, somehow spotting the concern deep with in each other. The two could express their emotions without the need for heartfelt, reassuring words words. "Heh, since when did you become so passionate?"

"...Shut up," Shizuo muttered as he brought him in to a strong hold. He didn't know how to answer.


	3. Chapter 3

The flashback ended by the time Shizuo was sitting next to his dullahan friend on the sofa. The journey there had been a blur, but from what he could remember, Celty had spotted the duo as Shizuo sprinted down the sidewalk with Izaya in his arms. He had to go the rest of the way by cab while Izaya went with the biker much faster. He nearly killed the driver for driving too slow, but eventually made it after what seemed like forever with the cabbie's skull left intact.

Celty had offered him something but he refused with a grunt. He was leaning in, elbows on his knees, staring intently at his owns shoes. The room was completely silent other than the tapping of Celty's fingers against her keyboard.

**[Are you that nervous, Shizuo?]**

The blonde glared at the screen. What kind of question was that?!

He had all sorts of reasons to be nervous.

What if the thing- no, the kid- the _whatever _came out dead or deformed or something? What if it had kicked a giant hole in Izaya's stomach or ruptured his internal organs trying to get out? Was it really going to cry and poop and eat all the time? What if the flea left him with it, even after the nine months they had come to learn so much more about one another?

What if he held it wrong and dropped it? Or crushed it with his brute strength when he tried to hold it? What if other kids picked on them when they went to school? What if he sucked at being a parent and got the baby taken away, or made them want to run away? Or made Izaya want to leave and take it with him?

What if it got some kind of terrible unknown disease where all its skin fell off or what if she took candy from strangers or-

Celty thumped the blonde on his head. He shot a confused look her way. Her arms were crossed, but he could tell she wasn't angry... She sensed his fear and wanted him to stop worrying so much.

They waited in silence through the night. Celty got up and one point to get on the computer and change in to her night gown, but Shizuo remained where he was. Why was it taking so damn long? Did something go wrong?

It was 7:47 in the morning when Shinra came through the soundproof door which divided his work area from his actual apartment. Shizuo looked up at him, dazed, as he had finally started to fall asleep from utter exhaustion. Both men looked equally as exhausted, but the doctor managed to smile at him. Celty came back to the room after hearing the click of the door.

"Izaya's awake. Do you want to see... her?"

Shizuo stared at him dumbly for a moment. 'It' was a her...

He stood, heart race picking back up. Right after he'd gotten it to slow down, too...

"Why didn't you tell me right when she came out?!" he questioned as he and Celty followed the doctor in to the room.

"Shizuo, I had to clean it and make sure Iza..."

Shinra's words didn't register in Shizuo's ears because his eyes had landed on Izaya, who was propped up on the hospital-style bed, looking back at his lover with groggy eyes. That wasn't what the blonde was really looking at though. He was staring at the bundle of white blankets in his arms. He stepped over hurriedly, reaching for the cloth that covered his daughter's face.

Izaya's head rolled back and he looked up at him weakly, then he smiled genuinely as Shizuo saw the baby for the first time.

She had Shizuo's hair; his natural hair, of course. It was a little tuft on the top of her wrinkly, pink, newborn head. Her eyes were still clenched shut.

"Shizu-chan... What kind of look on your face is that?" the raven questioned with a soft chuckle. Hazel eyes met amber ones again.

Izaya and Shizuo were in their own little world, lost in each other's eyes, telling each other everything through them as always. Celty was to the side, arms shaking in front of her chest like she was silently spazzing out at the sight. Shinra stared at her, looking a bit confused, but he touched by the unusual sight as well.

"What were you planning on naming her?" he piped up curiously, only to be ignored.

He felt Celty pushing him out, much to his surprise. She slammed the door, standing out side the door with him, leaving the two alone.

"She... she's beautiful," Shizuo muttered, looking down at the sleeping infant in awe. He reached his arm out, but withdrew it quickly when the thought of crushing her passed his mind.

"Shizuo, that's rather vain. She looks so much like you," the informant teased softly, amused at how his lover was acting. The blonde rolled his eyes, but leaned down and captured Izaya's lips in a tender kiss, which the raven returned without a second thought.

...

"Whoever said that you get used to having a baby was a fucking liar."

"Don't cuss around Airi."

Shizuo collapsed face first on to 'his' sofa, while his 'spouse' sat in his usual recliner with said infant in his arms, which he'd finally managed to put to sleep. The bodyguard turned his face to them, eyeing the informant through narrow, tired eyes. Izaya had lost the baby weight as soon as he was able to get back on his feet from the surgery, and was as lean and fit as ever.

"She's six months old, she won't remember anything."

"Yeah, well I don't want her first words to be "fuck" or "shit" or "_Protozoan," _he shot back, trying to make his best Shizuo voice for each example and just ending up sounding adorably stupid.

That made Shizuo smile, despite his lack of sleep and his exhausting day at work with Tom.

"That's way too long of a word for a baby to say."

Izaya gave him one of those 'Good job Captain Obvious' looks and he rose up and groaned as he stretched. He sauntered over to the sitting protozoan and leaned in.

"I'll put her to bed."

No protests there, and for good reason. Shizuo would be gone from 1:00 PM to 9:00 at night. Izaya had kept his job as an informant, but began working more from home to be with Airi. When he did go out as needed, he'd hire Namie to babysit, and be totally exhausted on the job.

Shizuo gently took the infant in to his arms. It had always astounded Izaya that someone capable of surviving a truck hitting him and proceeding to throw it down the street soon afterward could also be so gentle and timid as well. Of course, Izaya remembered how Shizuo would flinch whenever he tried to hold her the first few days in fear of harming her.

The watched the blonde carry it to their room and soon stood to follow. Since she'd already fallen asleep, hopefully they could catch up on some well-needed rest.

That was hopeful thinking.

Izaya, already changed in to those maroon sleep pants that he would not dare show anyone but the man across the room, who was undressing, threw himself on to the bed as Shizuo placed Airi down in her crib.

The other man soon joined him after taking off his bartender suit and leaving only his boxer shorts. He got on to the left side, while Izaya scooted to the right to give him room.

Shizuo was the opposite of Izaya; he sprawled out when he slept, arms in legs just out in random directions. One would usually find its way to the other and drag him close, but it worked out perfectly since Izaya could curl back up against him with his head on his chest. This time, Shizuo turned Izaya's body away from him and pressed up against his back, arms tightly snaking around him in a vice grip.

The raven grunted a bit in to the pillow as a face buried itself against his ear and nibbled. "Shizu-chan..." he sighed in pleasure. "... Tired."

The blonde rolled on top on him, Izaya's stomach pressed against the mattress, earning a low grunt of disapproval since the informant did not like being dominated. He was attacking his neck with kisses that caused the sounds of protest to morph in to more soft, pleasured sighs.

Shizuo bit down on his shoulder.

"SHIZU-"

Off went Airi, wailing as the loud gasp of the flea woke her.

Both men let out loud sighs of defeat in unison. "Fuck."

...

There was a point when the crying, diaper changing, and whining all became a blur. Maybe it was the exhaustion, or maybe the two mortal enemies had just learned to work together. Maybe it was the day Shizuo finally stopped paying rent on his own apartment he never went to, as their own sort of silent confirmation that they wanted to stay with one another.

Or perhaps it was the day when Airi spoke her first word: Flea. Said flea was horrified but the bodyguard was thrilled as she chanted 'Flea! Flea!" whenever Izaya tried to speak. Or when 'Aunt Celty' and 'Uncle Shinra' celebrated her first birthday with them.

But most likely, it was all of these moments and how they brought them closer together. It seemed like the diaper changing and interrupted intimacy was part of the reward in some odd way, because Shizuo and Izaya, two men who once were intent on destroying one another, were brought together from lust and denial, and then a child, and they did not want any other alternative or chance to repeat it.

Of course, the monster and the deadly informant still had to deal with a _teenager_ in the future.

A/N: I might make a little sequel about the time period when Izaya was pregnant in those 9 months and the bonding then but I have school. So be patient with me IF that even happens. -hides- ;_:


End file.
